However, if you are anything like me, the relationships that you were exposed to growing up did not foster such a secure outlook on uncertainty. Relationships are anything but predictable, they are messy, require risk and vulnerability.
For me, the more predictable the better: the more predictable, the less risk and the more certainty. If you are not one of the relationship supermates that can tolerate uncertainty (join the club), there are generally one of two ways you will react when faced with this nemesis.
For me, a risk assessment contains some of these questions: If there are many negative responses to this risk assessment, I may decide that it is too risky for me to continue in the relationship.
If you respond with the urge to find the answer, to move towards and to regain a sense of control, chances are you fit the criteria for an anxious attachment style.
Both styles can learn to cope with uncertainty by: When faced with uncertainty we automatically use our mental magnifying glass to search for all of the possible outcomes that are out of our control. etc, generally focusing on worst-case outcomes that end in disastrous heartbreak.
We end up focusing on questions like “What if they don’t like me? This type of thinking is bound to make us feel anxious.
This is challenging because building a secure intimate connection with someone requires vulnerability.
The reality is that both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles are affected by uncertainty, they just deal with and respond to it in different ways.
When you shift your focus to what you can control, you regain your power in the situation.